If I only had a brain…

I stood in my child development group, bouncing up and down, swaying back and forth, trying to soothe my screeching child, when our leader looked over and calmly reassured me,

“You are a great mom.”

It seems like a thoughtful and encouraging comment, right?

But I couldn’t stop the devil on the shoulder from whispering, “No, you aren’t.”

At 5:30am, when my daughter has decided that it is a perfect time to kick her little feet in the air and declare it morning (and breakfast time!), I often struggle to resolve how I am going to get to the end of the day. Merely bare bones survival. How will I find it in me to wake up, feed her, feed myself, and make it to the precious time when I will crash into the soft caress of my pillow once again. With such low expectations, it is impossible for me to reflect on this attitude and exclaim, “Woo hoo! I am SuperMom!”

Wait a minute...that's the cat...so, where's the baby?

Wait a minute…that’s the cat…so, where’s the baby?

Combine this trudging through the day with a complete lack of brain activity, and, well, yeah, the result is keys in the freezer, coffee poured on cereal, loads of laundry run without detergent, and hair washed with shave gel.

I recently read this article about how a child’s DNA has been discovered in their mother’s brain. Creepy. But, seriously, I am beginning to think another DNA exchange may occur. One where the mom’s brain cells attach, and leave, with the placenta.

It would explain sooooo much.

Honestly, due to the zombie-like status and self-doubt, I often feel like my daughter ends up being a 15lb shadow. Hanging out in the baby carrier as I fold laundry, chop onions (which you should NEVER do with a baby… it only leads to tears), or pay bills. It is on these days that I wonder if “a mother’s love” is really enough (this was especially questionable on the onion day). After all, when I became a mother, I knew NOTHING about raising a child. Does motherly instinct automatically embed itself with all this traveling DNA?

I am left confounded at the erosion in my confidence over the last 6 months. If you had told me during my professional life, “You are a great organizer” or “Wow, that is one good-looking spreadsheet”, I would probably have agreed and taken the compliment (after all, if you need a sexy, multi-tabbed, inter-linking, color coordinated spreadsheet, I’m your gal). So, why do I find it so hard to believe that someone thinks I am succeeding in motherhood? Is it because the stakes are now so much higher? Because I am responsible for another living being? Because adults are always blaming their parents for one thing or another and with each move I wonder if this will be the thing my daughter discusses in therapy 30 years down the road???

Why is it that we are our own worst critics?

And, really, is anyone actually good at motherhood? Or are we all just flying by the seat of our pants?
Advertisements
Leave a comment

12 Comments

  1. When I had my first child I forgave my own mum for most things I had blamed her for. By the time I had my third I thought she was mother teresa! It has allowed me to relax. You can only do your best but above all try to enjoy at least one thing with your daughter or about her every day, because some day your house will be tidy and your arms empty.

    Reply
  2. Hang in there and remember the most sage of all advice – –

    “Baby Nap time = Mommy Rest Time”
    NOT “Baby asleep so I can get this, and this and that done too….”
    From one who didn’t pay attention on baby #1, but learned to do it right with baby #2!
    🙂

    Reply
  3. Oh my god, you just described my day. Every day. For the last 2.5 years. All I can say is, you are so far from alone in this. Every mom I know (except the rich ones with full time nannies, but sometimes even them) is basically living what you just described.

    Also, I agree with TamrahJo – SLEEP!

    Also, also – that article was fascinating!

    Reply
  4. I remember mornings when I would wake up with tears in my eyes because of the long hours I knew lay ahead. I’m just a little bit ahead of you (my boys are 4 and 6) and I can assure you that (1) you are not alone, (2) this too shall pass, and (3) this “boot camp” will give you strength and endurance for later on when your daughter is less physically challenging but more emotionally and psychologically challenging. Great post!

    Reply
  5. Oh, how I can sympathize!!! You aren’t alone 🙂

    Reply
  6. I’m not a parent… That being said I have worked in the customer service industry long enough to see good parents and bad parents. I honestly believe that the key to being a good parent is just showing up and trying your hardest. I see so many kids running crazy and being disrespectful in public and when you look for parents they are no where to be found. I mean you write a blog about your trials and tribulations as a creative and therapeutic outlet just so you can be a better person for your family, what more evidence do you need to prove you are doings good job? I mean I know I am biased but I KNOW you are a good mom. I heart you!

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: